How did I let my life get to this position?

When my first husband died at the age of 26 I was gutted beyond belief. We had a son who was just six months old and I never thought I would recover. I am 40 next year and in the time since I lost my lovely Steve I have really tried to re build my shattered life. I met Martin (husband number 2) three years after Steve's death and knew from the start that something was not right between us, but call it stupidity or just the cloud of sadness from loosing Steve, I agreed to a relationship with him. He is a good man in so many ways and he chased after me persistently in the early years. You see I kept on telling him I was unsure and still in the depths of grief but he just ignored my feelings and emotions and replaced them with fun things to do which included my son and this felt a relief for me.

The big void of loosing Steve remained with me and I decided it was more than likely a permanent fixture in my emotions. Since then I have tried no end of things to fill that void and without sounding awful that includes three more children (who I love dearly) a college course, three different jobs, an affair and now a University degree. Where will it end I ask myself? I still feel crap and wonder if things will ever just feel settled and normal.

I recently decided to try going to church to see if that would help, but so far I do not feel any Devine intervention. My kids keep me busy, my degree stresses me out, I hate my job and my husband pisses me off beyond belief! Yesterday he got wheel clamped in town and somehow it was my fault even though I was not with him.

I am broke, I am heavier than I was when I was pregnant, I feel crap and I just do not know where to turn. I keep thinking if I could loose weight (even though I seem incapable of following a successful diet), get a better job (thus the degree) perhaps I could muster the strength to decide if I want to be with my husband or not then I could finally start enjoying my life instead of spending most of it feeling pathetically sorry for myself.

I need the better job to leave as he told me once he would rather give up work than support me and give me money to go night clubbing if I ever left him(odd comment as I have not been clubbing for years), besides where could I go with four children? I asked him to leave last year as he was making it quite clear family life was not suiting him and he refused saying that he would change and stop being so moody with me and the kids. Can't say I have noted the change though.

Apparently I am not allowed to buy new clothes, go to a slimming class, do UNI work when he is at home, go to bed without telling him first, give my son a lift to the bus stop in the morning or read the paper before he does!! WTF !! Control freak or what?????

On a brighter note he is going away with the children this weekend so that I can "Get on with my Uni work" and "spring clean the house". I think I shall put clean sheets on the bed, soak in the bath without him peeping through the doorway, watch crap on TV and I may even go out for a meal with my friend. Oh yeh liberation if only for two days from the constraints of marriage,